Untrue News: BREAKING: Dez Bryant Arrested On Boat, Full Of Drugs And Women

Elsa/Getty Images
Elsa/Getty Images

Dez Bryant just signed his new five year contract with the Dallas Cowboys. All was well in Happy Valley, until Bryant was arrested early in the A.M.

Bryant was seized on 'Jerry Jones Ego' (that's the name of the boat). Apparently a lot of wild stuff was going on inside the boat. There were drugs and women everywhere. Bryant was playing Bridge with a bunch of elderly women who probably saw the first Charlie Chaplin movie, when it was first released (ask your parents about him). The Bridge game with the old fogies wasn't the crime, the crime was the drugs they had in their possession. All of the old fossils had Miagra, which is an illegal Cambodian knock off of Viagra. It was meant for the ladies husbands and pool boys.

Anyways, Bryant was merely a victim of circumstance (like Curly). Still, because Bryant had some unpaid parking tickets, so he'll be going to jail for around 20-25 years. The Cowboys are stating that he's 'questionable' to play Week 1 against the New York Mets. 

To fill Bryant's roster void, the Cowboys have signed Josh Gordon to five year contract worth 10 kilos.

The preceding was a parody article for entertainment purposes only.