Parody News: BREAKING: Tom Brady's Cell Phone Found, Not Completely Destroyed

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

NFL Commissoner Roger Goodell upheld Tom Brady's four game suspension for the 2015 NFL season. The major reason why being, that Brady supposedly destroyed his old cell phone, which may have had incriminating evidence against him.

Well, here comes the bombshell. The cell phone was recovered today and wasn't completely destroyed. The phone was discovered by Charlie Pagano (some guy who follows Brady around everywhere apparently). Pagano claims that Brady's unintelligent assistant (who's also fat) took the phone to a back alley and merely threw it against a building one time. The moron said "Duh, that should take care of the jelly phone, duh"

Pagano says that's lot of evidence on the phone that will destroy Brady's career. Along with all the normal apps on any phone, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Brady apparently has some unique apps like Mandudezone, Sausagefest, and something called Tumblr (strange indeed).

Pagano says he'll give the phone to Goodell for a nominal fee of sixty five billion dollars in NFLopoly money. This is a special currency that Goodell says the owners use all the time. For his troubles Pagano will also get a bag of magic beans. The beans are said to defeat Giants, which is something Brady might be interested in buying.

Ultimately, Goodell says that Brady will be suspended another 145 games and fined $15 (yes $15). Kids, the lesson of the day is, if you hire someone to destroy incriminating evidence, make sure they have an IQ higher than Forest Gump. Oh well, stupid is as stupid does.

The preceeding was a parody article for entertainment purposes only.