Falsity News: BREAKING: Kristaps Porzingis Announces Retirement From NBA

Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports
Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

The New York Knicks drafted Kristaps Porzingis with their first pick in the 2015 NBA draft. Many experts and fans alike panned the move. The pick was even so controversial it made some cry-baby brat cry his eyes out while still managing to video record the event on his phone (gotta love technology.)

It appears the pundits may have been right about Porzingins. The young man announced earlier that's he's retiring from the NBA. A shocking announcement indeed, especially since Porzingis hasn't even played a game yet. When asked point blank about his decision, this is what the goofy Europe dude said.

"I can't deal with the pressure. All the glitz and glamour, the big New York stage. It's just not for me. It's a fun game no doubt, but the more experienced players would eat me alive. I'm too fragile and I'm from the foreign land of Dr. Doom country."

It sure would have been nice if Porzingis spoke in English, so let us translate what he said......

"Wah, wah, I'm a sissy that's afraid my number won't be called."

Oh well, it's a shame that Porzingis has retired from the National Bingo Alliance, but I guess all those geriatric grannies could make anyone nervous. At least for Porzingis he still gets to play in the other NBA (National Basketball Association). Come to think of it.... this whole story might have been less confusing if I put the bingo part in the beginning. Uh-oh Spaghetti-O's

The preceding was a parody article for entertainment purposes only.