Parody News: BREAKING: Patrick Kane Confesses His Crimes

David Banks-USA TODAY Sports
David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

Chicago Blackhawks superstar Patrick Kane is still in the news for all the wrong reasons. Several days ago, a woman stepped forward and accused Kane of the four lettered R word. And that word isn't rock or roll (Maybe Rick Roll ;)

Earlier today Kane confessed to his horrible crimes. Yes, the brother of the Undertaker confessed to burning lots of stuff as a kid. Of course this article isn't about that Kane, so back to the topic at hand. Anyway's, Kane (The Chicago one this time) confessed to his horrible crimes of Jay-walking to and then loitering at the local Bob's Big Boy.

It's unknown at this time whether Kane can ever come back from these great atrocities. I mean, the man tried to burn Jim Ross alive, he electrocuted Shane McMahon's no-no area with a car battery......Sorry, I keep going back to WWE Kane. Anyways, Kane (Chicago one) confessed to stealing a man's hot dog. The hot dog had a beautiful line of yellow mustard running down it's hot self. What a shame, that hot dog was only two days away from retirement.

Due to Kane's confession he was able to get a plea deal of only 447 years in prison, with a possibility of parole in the year 2000. The hot dog is survived by his lovely wife and two wiener kids.

The preceding was a parody article for entertainment purposes only.