The news broke last week that New York Yankees starting pitcher C.C. Sabathia was being entered into a rehabilitation center for his drinking problem.
Well things went south in a hurry, as Sabathia has been kicked out of rehab. Luckily though, it wasn't for drinking. Instead Sabathia is being kicked out for stealing other patients shoes, running an illegal high-stakes paper-rock-scissors tournament, eating all of the sham chowder, and for taking all of the placebo sugar pills.
The Yankees were saddened and hungry when they heard the news. In response Yankee G.M. Brian Cashman will be giving Sabathia a six year extension worth eleventy-two million dollars. Cashman will also be getting himself one of those nasty looking burgers from Burger King with the dyed black bun. It's unknown at this time if Cashman will get fries or onion rings. More on this later....
The preceding was a parody article for entertainment purposes only.