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Falsity News: BREAKING: Cincinnati Reds Release Aroldis Chapman

Lance Iversen-USA TODAY Sports
Lance Iversen-USA TODAY Sports

The news broke a few days ago that Cincinnati Reds closer Aroldis Chapman choked his girlfriend and fired of gun shots in his garage. 

The Reds have decided to make a huge decision on the fate of Chapman. Reds spokesmen Candy Dalton said that the team will indeed release Chapman to the timeout chair to think about what he's done.

There's no telling how long Chapman will be in timeout. Perhaps until he learns that firing gunshots and choking women is not okay. 

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has already inquired about Chapman stating that "He'd fit in really well with my crew here" Cowboys assistant Phony Romo then had to tell Jones that Chapman plays baseball and not football. Phony Romo has since been fired.

In other news Chris Davis has signed an 8 year 200 million dollar contract with Donald Trump. Seeing as Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be opening soon, Trump is paranoid about the Sith entering a galaxy far far away. Davis will serve as Trumps hired muscle to eradicate the Sith. Yoda Sanders says Trump is nuts and has stupid hair.

It should be interesting to hear what the candidates have to say about timeout chair registration in future debates. 

The preceding was a parody article for entertainment purposes only.


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